i taught her to be a photographer; to see the beauty in both simple and extraordinary things..she became so good i began to doubt my talent. Then, one day, she cropped me out of the picture and eventually her life. i taught him to love music; to hear the beat and feel it in your bones and your heart. he began to speak about music, damn, he learned so much, i  began to doubt my ear for the rhythm, and then one day he wrote me out of the song. i taught her to be a writer, and a lover at the least, until one day she wrote me out of her heart. through all the fun and loss, the laughs and tears there are times i question myself and if i am the reason they all left me. but at the end of it all what i know is i am a photographer, i still feel the music and i still spill my soul onto paper. i am the writer, the artist the passionate soul you have all loved and let love. you taught me my true talent, that no one can ever erase from me, that i love without fear and i never walk away. so being left by you just means that it was time to move on for both of us. 

listening to you and your friends talk about natural beauty, how as you grow old with someone all that matters is who they are inside. it made me realize how rare honesty and courage are in men.

There is something obviously beautiful about hanging out with good friends. 
No matter how, when, where or what, the company of these people is inherently healing. 
I think that is the difference between real friends and fair-weather friends, the leaving with a warm heart part. 
When you say goodbye to good friends, there is  a release of energy between the two of you…one that warms your heart and tells you you’re in good hands, and are cared for. 
When you say goodbye to fair-weather friends you feel…nothing....except cyclical disappointment.

Tonight, being surrounded by passionate people made me feel alive. The vibe was contagious.
Thought your life there will be many people and relationships who will manipulate you into questioning even the most fundamental parts of yourself. 
But when you are surrounded by good people, you're able to feel distinctly you.

I can only speak for myself, of course, but in my experience this is what I have found. And having spent so long being around the wrong people, it feels good to come back to my new apartment, by myself, and not feel alone. Because when you say goodbye to good friends, their passion fuels you and they stay a part of you. When you finally meet the right people you are never really alone.

I think this is the first time I’ve done something without telling anyone first, I’m so used to asking permission. Here’s to being free, and starting over alone. I love my new tattoo

12/20/12

I realize now, that I have spent so much time studying people and wanting to blend in because I didn't know who else to be. 
I was waiting on someone to pull me out of the crowd, and love me, want me, and accept me for me.
And now, having become stronger through heartache and pain, like the best of us do…I discovered the truth. 
Through all the people I have lost, the people who have left me and broken my heart, 
wearing my grass stained jeans and feeling incomplete, I found that the reason I was never good at blending in. 
The reason I couldn’t hide in the shadows of my friends was very simply because, I was born to stand out.

Not in the way of being extraordinary, or exceedingly talented…just in the way I move everyday, and the way my mind works. 
I’m excited and passionate. I am eagerly impatient. I love to play at all times. 
I may not sing loud, dance on the streets or flaunt my art but I am always changing, always creating, always celebrating and dreaming. 
I am also often furious and distraught. I am happy and sad at the same time. Equally. I am total organized chaos. 
My feelings are raw and true. I love in such a way I am often burned by my own fire. 
I'm inexplicably needy and confused… but also dramatically neither. 

I believe I felt so with and without for so many years that I was often unable to see my own reflection. 
And on those days when I open my eyes, when I silence the villain in my head…the truth stares straight back at me: 
I am the hero of my story and I don't need to be saved.

It was my 23rd year and I had yards of fabric running down my walls. It was decoration I thought.
I had almost nothing, just a bed on the floor and some clothes. 
My apartment had cracked walls, broken window panes and no ventilation.
But it was mine. And to me, it was perfect.   
I taped magazine cut outs on the walls and hung Christmas lights from the ceiling, 
and at night if I felt trapped, I could sit outside and watch people walk by in the alley behind my building or look up at the stars from the wooden stairs at the end of the shared hallway.

Many people find their escape in books, some online or in television. For me, I find it is best to run away for a little while. 
I read somewhere once “People will kill you over time. And the way they’ll kill you is with small phrases like, ‘Be Realistic.’”
We are all warriors, and believing that we have to live in another person’sreality only wounds us.

addiction, confliciton
give yourself a restriction
such a contradiction
bruised from all the friction
cause your wrong then your right
in your mind, out of sight
just fighting yourself in this fight
there is no red or green light
you’re so bright youll ignite
your inner passion and fuel
you can make your own rules
and your body feels cool
as it’s hit by the wind
taking your hair for a spin
sun radiates off your skin
letting your fire sink in
its all about to begin
so release the addiction
and the restriction
your charm lies in your brave diction

I am moving to San Francisco tomorrow morning. I cannot believe this time has finally come, i have been waiting for it for so many years and I am so excited. I feel so blessed to have such amazing people in my life and to have such an incredible family. As i leave Huntington Beach I am not sad like I was when i moved to college because I am leaving behind amazing family, a beautiful city, and a couple great friends that I will be visiting soon enough. I am not leaving this city that i grew up in with any questions or doubts, with any unfinished conversations or meetings. I know where I am. Kyle is out of my life and that is the strongest move i have made in a while. I wrote him a letter, as I seem to do upon breaking the news to people that I want nothing more to do with them because their horrible, and after that letter I am content with the feeling of having said goodbye. As far as other old friends, we no longer pretend to be something that we are not, but when we see each other occasionally it is as if no time has passed which I think is a great way to leave it. As far as Arizona, i miss it like crazy. I miss my best friends Dakota and Melissa and i really miss all of my guy friends. But i am also very happy that i had the best semester of my life last Fall because I made every minute count. I learned so much about myself this past summer and semester and because of that i have never enjoyed myself so much or lived so freely. I attribute my growth to Kody because she has helped me understand who i am and be able to live freely and have fun and be happy. I am embarking on a new adventure and I am very excited. I am also excited to visit Tucson next week haha and many more times in the future. I love my friends and family and I feel incredibly blessed for the people that make my life so beautiful and radiant.

im feeling lost
But I know i've been found
I fear everyday that you wont be around
My hands start to shake and my mind starts to drown
In all the fears that I have lived and how far i've fallen down
I got back on my own, the strength came from me
I feel strong but I am weak because i'm afraid they wont agree
I live in constant fear of getting left behind
If I go away too long, i'm afraid time will rewind
And I would be alone and lost like I was before
So many times that has happened, the closing of another door
What would I do
If I again became someone people pass through
I'm feeling lost
But I know i've been found
A year ago I was on the ground
I never want to go back to that place
And though the unbelievable pain will never erase
You are the one who makes my world feel whole
You brought me back to life you lifted my soul

you will run away but where are you running
you dont recognize who your becoming
and though its scaring you
you know your doing what you should do
it is all happening so fast
and it is hard to make your feelings last
because one day your in control
and then next your not at all

some things are just always going to be there.
sometimes when you break, no matter how much time has passed, you still cant imagine being whole again.

in a room full of people i still feel all alone
i keep repeating in my head "i just want to go home"
but the truth is that i just want to rewind
to a time when i was happy
to a time when in a room full of people i felt loved
to a time when love and friendship made sense
now it just seems that it is all something we use to get us through
forever lasting friends do not exist, its a myth
we use friendships as ears to talk to,
but soon someone says goodbye and someone ends up crying
i've never said goodbye, and i am still here crying
i'm a mask and i'm trying
to make it real
but i cant and i feel like my head is torn
between what i want and what i am
i am a ghost of who i was before

i don't believe in love
i don't believe its true
i don't believe that love has power
that can together bring us through
the truth is its up to you
and only you
and being alone
because i don't believe in love
and i don't believe its true
i don't not believe it can keep people together
i don't believe it really means anything
i will never love again
because it never ends up to be anything
love is unrequited
its always one sided
always there's no denying it
love wont come back for you when you've lost yourself
love will break your heart and
it will tear you apart
it will leave you broken
it will be misspoken
and love wont come back for you when you've lost yourself
i have loved all my life
and everyone i have ever loved is gone
and now im torn apart
all i hear is my tearing heart
all i feel is horrible pain
and i only have myself to blame
because i let myself love
and now there's nothing left
for me to give or anyone to take
never again will i make the mistake
to love to love to love cause love breaks.

i feel it in my bones
im totally alone
i feel it in my heart
im completely torn apart
and there's nothing you can do
and no i don't blame you
for not loving me to
because love isn't real
its just something i feel
something that takes and breaks and i cant blame you
because my love for you broke me in two

tonight i drove around and my heart tore while my music played. it tears everyday. 
i used to write things that people liked to read. they were creative they came from me.
now everyday i'm at a loss for words. i feel nothing. nothingness fills my bones
and i know i'm alone. i don't like being around other people because i hate to pretend
i've not nothing to say, nothing to share, i've got nothing left to offer.
i feel nothing. and i'm scared that i wont ever get better
people used to like to read what i wrote, and hear what i felt
but now all that fills me is pain, and i cant explain. they don't understand
that i'm still breaking, from when they all tore my life apart and left me behind
the scars they left are never fading, and i cant explain, they cant understand
that i'm gone

they can say its gone
they can walk away
but shes still so withdrawn
though they never see her anyway
she left without a sound
when they pushed her to the ground
shes still down there in the dirt
where they left her to drown, in her sorrow and her hurt
her hurting heart her bleeding eyes, her broken body , all their goodbyes
shes in so much pain its impossible to bear
but they don't know and they don't care
becasue they were the ones who put her there
the pain has never gone away
it just tears her apart more everyday

i don't know what happened or where i went wrong
i don't know why she did this and cant stop
this endless fight that i never fought just goes on and on and on
i just want to be myself and be happy like i used to be
I wonder why i get into situations such as these
I try to be such a good friend to people,
i care about others more than i care about myself
and i guess that is my biggest flaw
becasue the people on the receiving end care about themselves more than others
i let my guard down with people because i want to trust them
and they make me believe that i can, and that we are best friends
but best friends means something different to me than those people
it means that you are always there for that person, through think and thin
through pain and happiness, through isolation and socialization
i feel really lonely
and i know that i am the only one who can make me feel that way
but i don't know how to change it
i feel alone, and i feel sad. i feel angry that people i trusted changed and left
i feel so alone sometimes that i feel like i cant breathe
i feel so silly and unworthy sometimes that i break down
i feel so isolated and left out, i feel like i did senior year
and i don't want to anymore
no matter how many people i meet, or how many new places i go
it follows me
it haunts me
it tortures me constantly
and i hate it
i miss having tons of friends, i miss feeling worth and accepted
why is it that it makes some people feel better to put others down
and why is it that when those evil people are putting me down i cant just shake it off
i want to tell myself "they're wrong! they're wrong!" but, its hard to believe myself

they say you must move past your past
but i cant figure out how to make that feeling last
i try to forget how i felt last year today
but everyday i'm reminded in some subtle way
that people can be tortured and they can recover
they can teach themselves to smile
they can replace their first love with a new lover
they can use drugs to make them blind and dizzy
they can meet new people and try to keep busy
but when will they discover the real rescue that they need
instead of relying on hiding their past simply to mislead
other people from noticing the permanence of their scars
i hope you don't know they exist
becasue there's a reason i traveled far
i have become stronger than i was before
and even though it has not even gone away
i have my now hands on an open door
and i know that i can be okay

the reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did

i want to believe that people can change.
but even more i really just want to yell at them and tell them how much they hurt me, how indescribable i felt.
and how an apology cant ever make up for what they did to me for so long, how they set out to hurt me day after day and in every possible way they could. destroying relationships i had, lying to others, getting pleasure from making me feel the impossible way i did, like i wanted to die. setting out to try and take anything i had away;to the extent where most times they did.
i want to tell them how much all those months destroyed me.
and how it still affects and follows me today.
i never want anyone to ever feel the way i felt especially for as long as i did.
i never want anyone to be treated like i was.

but in the end, should you still believe that
people always deserve a second chance?
can someone who has the ability to treat someone with so much hate, and put someone through what they put me through, also have the ability to change and be honest when they say they forgive you for the past and are sorry?
i just don't know what to do.

together together do you ever wonder
how life could of been without months of thunder
break in the old fun, the fighting's done
a hug without a trick, your new life has just begun
you feel as though, you are finally free
you remember this is what youve wished to be
fall back into place, they opened up some space
you wish the memories of tears will quickly erase.
lets touch base, ive missed your lonley face
you were the disgrace, that they did replace.
your moving to a much better place.

take it easy (love nothing)

i believe in imaginary things
i feel the horror my mistakes bring
i run without a vision
of where i am going to stop
the pain that fuels me races my speed
i want to spin and run and feel until i drop
i want to feel real and i want you with me there
i want to feel worthy and live unaware
i want to scream to the music i blare
i want to hold you and tell you how much i care
i want to hold my head up while they all stare
i want to be free and fly in the air
and know how to listen to any thought that tells me to beware
i want to move forward and no longer compare
the loneliness i have now to when i felt like a millionaire
i want to run around and smile in time square
i want you to see how this is so unfair
because i did not act alone in this public affair
to meet someone like you is very very rare
someone that will take my heart to not break but to repair
i regret a lot but i do not regret my love i swear
i hide behind the gold jewelry i wear, 
i want you to care to care to care to care mr. unaware