singing songs in the morning of silent silent nights

i believe in trust, but i don't trust its true.
i believe the effort of love, can honestly help us through.
i believe that mistakes are made
with no motive or intention
so when people will make a mistake
you shouldn't just forget them
i believe that if you are happy
you won’t ever bring someone down
but if you are pretending
its hate you feel all around
I believe that beauty is not uncommon
and if you want to see it
you don’t have to dig or try
cause beauty is found based on how you perceive it
I believe in betrayal but i don’t believe it’s true
I believe that the part you hate in others, is the part that mirrors you.
I believe that people run away
as fast as they claim they don’t
because once you feel the passion
you destroy it so you won’t.
i believe people tell lies that are true
i believe the words i've heard
You should know i wont ever trust you
but ill believe your every word.

I believe in trust, but I don’t trust it’s true.
When you say "i love you" i don't believe you do

one day she said she was weak and couldn't hold her own
she had thought of the day you wouldn't play
but she never thought they would leave her all alone
they're eyes are piercing screams
and they never seem to stop
they fill their mind with poison things
and feel themselves rise to the top
they yell and call and write
they hurt they hate they fight
they love they miss they want
they claim hate and act nonchalant
to them she is just a feather girl
floating away with each breath they procreate
but she does not deserve this world
that her pronounced enemies still fill with hate
one day she said she was strong and that she would be unbreakable
she thought of the day you would follow their way
but she never thought she'd break alone under their label
she is scared and hurt and lonely
she deserves it yes she knows
she wishes they wouldn't treat her so coldly
she wishes they would leave it to her to expose
they win they got what they desire
they told everyone so many times "DID YOU KNOW SHES A LIAR?"
she wonders when they will tire
Lay back enjoy life and retire
no longer project in a choir
to be happy and reach higher and higher
and no longer live by satire
look at you in your thought out attire
you start the fire you start the fire you start the fire,you mirrored liar.

lying in your bed as we grew closer to eachother
i believed every movement and that we could never need another
heart to tear, mind to bore,
one to kiss or face to adore
you made me feel perfect and that you were so proud to be mine
if only i had known that every word was just a line.
that you would break your promise and follow all the rest
even when you used to say they were horrible and obsessed
she lost everyone she ever had and for the first time felt incredible pain
you were everything she could have asked for and never asked her to explain
you constantly sent her happy faces and hearts on your phone
in barley ever crossed her mind you would leave her so alone
when you knew she hit the bottom you went running for the door
that minute she fell further and her heart complealty tore
she was the center of attention always in a horrible way
you helped her ignore and move on from everything they'd say
until the time came, where you fell in their awful view
she found out that to him you were just some girl he screwed
she didnt believe it at first becasue it really doenst fit
she'll never hear it from you even if youd ever admit
that the faith that made her happy was all from you
but now she feels like your just another person she never knew
she misses you like crazy fuck she misses her old life
she goes thorugh every day jsut knowing this isnt right
that she is that same girl taht she always was before
but now when anybody sees her they whisper shes a whore
and the worst part is they mean it to be true
they tried so hard and you let them get you too
crying everyday she lost one after the otehr
she hates it that she thought you werent just another
all those words you said and promises you made
you let her go in such a manner because you were afriad
you should know that you crushed her, and you have never looked so low
and that she was still that girl you thought to be amazing the one youd always know
she put away your stuff today in a box as bright as old,
she stored your memory away with every smile they each hold
her heart literaly breaks every time she even thinks of you
because despite what she wants to do her feelings for you remain true
she hates you for everything youve done and every lie you told
for every kiss she wasted on you and every tear she'll withhold
for all the late night sleepoevers and all the loss she felt
you were the one always ther for her with who she never had a doubt
i miss you so much i cant hold in the tears
i hate you so much for proving all my fears
i miss you so much it hurts me to breathe
i hate you so much for making me believe
you were just like all the others
though i will never forget you
because though i know you are no different
your still the boy i once knew.
the one i held and kissed and touched
the one who had had me for their crush
the one i felt safe with like i never had before
the one i felt forever with and that there would be more
the one who once talked of what ifs
an how he'd be there through smiles and through crisis
hung my picture in his car,
talked of going far
loved to dream and without question include me
i wish you would wake up and see what you lost under this debris
it is you who i will always cry, though every day i try
to remember you said goodbye, the faith you taught me i will live by.

<3ihateyouforprovingtobenothing that you said youd be

i have realized that if you claim to strongly feel something, something that makes you crazy or mad or you make a claim of recovery, you are usually saying it aloud becasue you know its a lie, and you know everyone else can see it, so you just want to pretend that its true. the best thing you can do for yourself is do everything you want and you love and you think of and anything and everything you canand not worry about what everyone else is thinking, because they once loved you for you, and if you think about them you are not them, you are someone consumed in too much that they turn into nobody. everything you do is important and just make that known. be happy be positive and even wehn its hard dont ever think its over or a part of your life is ending, because its not, its change but its not end. so make it your change, be confident and act as if everyone wishes they could be where you are. dont ever be embarrassed of where you are or who you are with because its what you chose so you should scream it proud. you are amazing and you shouldn't forget that.
i am very stubborn and i care a lot about what people think, i care about people I care about more than anything and i hate change. i hate fighting and i always try to make things better. i know that about myself. i know it. so the best thing I can do is embrace it and instead of caring what people think and being self conscious, care what they think and make them jealous. care your heart away and when change occurs dont let it change you.
if you want to make someone fall in love, be yourself one hundred percent and more, let your flaws out if they come out themselves, be happy and dont ever bring them down wiht you, dont complain unless they ask what is wrong, and learn to deal with things alone, and let them be the ones to make you happy not the ones to help you get over things or vent about things with. they are not your therapist they want you to be better they dont want to see you crazy. know that. be everything you want to be and dont ever let anyone bring you down, make plans and then invite them after ward. be involved in your own life as well as theres.
be happy and be unbreakable. becuase things can only break you if you let them. so dont ever let them.

The view that your life is somehow better becasue particular people are a part of it.

i want to go to Montana for just one night to see the stars

being out of contact is the most comforting feeling because when your out of contact you dont have to face the terrible reality that no one is trying to contact you

the importance of being here by myself rather than with anyone else even though i want someone close.because when your alone, they really are closer to you because its just...there. No evidence it just...is.

you could get what you want. which in actuality could end up being just happinesswith yourself.

you tend to live life denying loving something the way others do. Often because you dont believe you have the personal right to those feelings if you claim to love something you feel the need to be the best at it. And if you claim to love someone you think you have to be perfect to recieve that love back.

12/17/06

i have come to realize alot, beaacsue in the past two months i have been forced to face myself. i wish that when people were presented with problems they had this chemical in them taht triggered and knew exac tly what to do and how to handle the situtaion.

She’s going back to how she used to be, when she was so horrified of getting close to someone that all she wanted to do was be constantly side by side with them. She’s contradicting and she knows it. Left behind by so many who claimed to want her to be their best forever. She cried and screamed thinking that they were better. before she knew what was going on, she was scraping away and screaming the same song, of how lovers can love and lovers can lie and others can hate; without really knowing why. And people are born with two faces instead of one, and they turn around and hate while their victims hold their tongue. For the one who is the victim becomes the one who rises above to be able to beat all the challenges with the trick that their enemies can’t even dream of . they become strong because they have known it all along, that if you claim strength you better expect to prove that you belong, so she claimed her weakness that she could never let go, because when she said forever she did more than just let it show, that she cared for you and loved you with every once she had, because when she said forever she made a silent promise to never make you sad
she doesn’t want to lose you, and she cant deny that she’s afraid
because she has suffered so much loss through broken promises so many had made
and she wants you to be an exception to that stupid simple rule
that when you say forever, you will never get too cool
you will never make her feel like she is any less than she deserves
and you will live up to that heart you drew and remain along every curve
because life will take its turns and leaps
but it is up to you the happiness you keep
and if you ever find yourself ever wanting more
your search will quickly find that exactly what you adore
is standing right in front of you with her hands on the open door
waiting to never let go of you or let you suffer anymore
though when she finds you feeling less, I can promise you she will make war
she will make war, old war , on who you were before.

the masquerade

standing proud in their face made of mirrored glass
playing unbreakablepeople pretending to have class
it is said when a mirror breaks in two
that all that bad luck will come to you
they say they know the bad was always there
just coverd and reflected as though they were not aware
hiding behind their mirrored faces, it was themselves they saw in you,

they say forever lied to them, it was never there for anything

are you scared to suffer undercover or to knwo you are the same
you direct the blame to cause others pain
to hide what causes your unspoken shame
that are painfully the same as where you direct the blame

hate away your dreams
before yourealize that your scene
is a reflection of you staring back
parading the missing pieces of the puzzle that you lack.
you can let your head scream so loud until it hurts, while screaming of your pain
you can hate and yell, setting aside sanity, if you wish to remain the same
so go ahead and maintain
that perfect mask that you adore,
scream so loud of sudden change
always wanting more.
look look lookat that movie in your head, are you famous or nameless
do you know who you are
run run run after what you need,
its not me
youve gone too far.
 

loved and in love
she fell into the arms of all those liars she's above
they held her tight and let her in
she would love and wait for the pain begin
for it always came, because she was never enough
it was always the same she never caught their bluff
saying i miss you
she believed their every word
saying i need you
she listened to what she heard
saying i want you to be mine
she tried so hard to shine
shes cried so many tears even the ocean is impressed
she told herself she would never try to please and dress her best
for they did not deserve her and that one day someone would
but despite what she wanted she couldn't believe what she should
lover took her hand and then her hand was released
every time they see her the feeling would increase

you want you want you love you love you want you want you want you forget

she tries to keep from crying so her makeup will stay in tact
after all she has to look good for when he calls her back
and tells her "hey im ready for my ride"
and she will leave , this late at night to abide
hes using her up as every boy does
at least it hasn't gotten as bad as that other boy was
she has broken once and for all
even though this isnt her first fall
out on the weekends she cries all alone
in her room every night her music proves the tone
she hasnt stopped crying for almost a week
that doesnt even compare for her time gone without sleep
shes killing herself slowly
yeah shes killing herself

those stupid teens not knowing what they mean, they dont know what they got but it sure is alot

behind walls that block more than sight
boys and girls they hide from the light
screaming&dancing who knows what it means
all their actions go left unseen
they want things that nobody knows
every single one of them puts on a one man show
self entitled screening of their lives
they edit the trauma and the lies
shaking hands and tired eyes
all done up in her makeup
yeah she looks divine
strutting her stuff on the weekends with her friends
highschool teen fun that feels like it never ends
partying loud and drikning strong drinks
they do what they want cause no one ever thinks
friendships gained and friendships gone
if you want what you want you gotta stay strong
if your broken go to the repair shop
because if your broken your friends may not even stop
and keep your secrets as close as they swear
their as fake as those designer jeans they wear
amazing times with amazing firends
accept the anti trust and just always make amends

she has a word scratched into her skin that she doesn't understand.

and those mixed up words that you try to keep in line keep screaming. those thoughts you try to filter into something you can explain keep getting more and more vague. the flashes of the tv screen will hopefully blind you once and for all so you'll have an excuse to stay inside. those simple decisions you cant seem to make are frustrating and those pacing words that your mother says are too too fast mean so much sense ironically to you when every one else is trying to keep up with your words in fast forward trying to put them together as they playing them in rewind after you say them to try, try and understand the stupid simple conversation you just had with them about some amazing artist, or your favorite dress as they look for some clue to your secrets, or some above and beyond inspiration that they are hoping you, as a writer, will give them. sorry not today. that medicine you know isn't working but you refuse to stop taking is making you frail. those not-so-bad-not-meant-to-be-good-compliments give you way too much hope. the other pills your therapist says will cure you of the evil disease that has taken over your thoughts and body will only be taken on days you don't drink which are becoming less often because all you want to do is feel good and drunk is the only time you do. that failing grade, those failing days are normal now. for it has been over a year and you have not once, but well, no, once, felt good in all that time. you're pathetic and you know it so...uhh clap your hands? well that's what you feel like, a show, a stupid fucking show where you try to make them see you but all they see is a fucking show of you. sound the same? yeah well its completely different. they see the fake you. that's all they'll ever know. its good they like it i guess. i'm glad they like you michelle. michelle? me? no no they don't know me. maybe some day i can meet this girl they all seem to like. maybe one thinks he loves. well they don't no, he doesn't. everything you look at burns to gold in your mind, fuck everything means something to you. you, mean everything to me. you? no clue. i thought i was weak because i was tired i thought i was tired cause i was busy i thought i was busy cause i was fun i thought i was fun cause of my medication, i think my medication is making me weak. well fuck it, i want to be as skinny as a model with my eyes all painted black. so fuck you i'm on my chosen road. that's right don't try to intrude i'm a determined girl and ill get there. the road you want me to take is flooded by my tears so ill take mine. if i ever get to the end ill invite you to get a glimpse of what you can't believe you always missed. the real me. no questions fucking asked. the fucking real me. look at the fucking scars on my right arm and maybe you can have an idea of how little you know about me. what the fuck is that scar its not when i fucking fell off the bed do you honestly believe that? its from a fucking knife you fool. look under my bed- there it is -probably with blood still on it -there it fucking is. don't tell. cause if you take my comfort i don't know what ill do. don't lift up the covers. 

this is the moment that you know that you told her that you loved her but you dont

Friday i went to a show at chain reaction. there was a million mile line out side the door that we had to wait in in the freezing cold. you'd think when it practically started raining they'd let you in but yeah no. anyways we got in and the first band started about a half hour later. he started off okay, mellow not too exciting...but by the end he had you wishing you were still stuck in the million mile line drenched in rain and getting pneumonia, because that trust me, would have been better than his music. half way through his second song i swear to god he turned into a woman, many bad Whitney Houston attempts later, Steven Tyler showed up, ooh no wait that was just chase page again screaming until everyone was silent because it was past laughing it was just embarrassing. unfortunately, he cut his set short. chase page, im sorry but i hope you learn.
the next band say anything, is amazing, on their cd at least, but live? not so good. the high-light of their set was a 12 year old, shoulder-length hair boy looking like he was about to have a heart attack from excitement of finally getting his 30 minutes of fame on stage. one of the guitarist walked off stage after 2 songs and i didnt see him again until about 11 when the show was over. very weird. i think they just had a bad choice in songs. dont worry say anything i still have faith in you. next time you'll shine.
the next band wasnt even on the line up, and i have a feeling they were actually trying to get banned from chain reaction. ironically their name was recover. which i had to do a lot of after the lead singer, pale but energized, jumped into the crowd nervously and stood up with his arms open wide in the air looking like he was begging to god or something, that or that he thought he was god. either way he looked like he should have been screaming "hail me!" at the top of his lungs while a light would shine down upon him, like in Bruce Almighty. before he made that sad, bad mistake the actual band wasnt too bad. compared to chase page at least, which unfortunately isnt saying much. 
finally armor for sleep came on. even though there band name sounds like a bad boxers brand or something, they turned out to be amazing. i have officially become on of the screaming at the top of their lungs trying to rape them on stage, fans. as has Lindsay and Sydney haha.
ooh and i scored a "new years day" cd and a stellar chase page sticker which yeah i know basically made the night. haha some greasy haired guy in a dress shirt who was standing in front of me and who i had unfortunately noticed staring at me during say anything turned around and quickly slipped me his bands cd (new years day) and then quickly turned around, not a word said. and some girl came up and gave me Evan and Lindsay chase page stickers, it was the shocker of the night that they didnt sell so they were forced to give them away. we went to Lindsay's after and ate cake. the night was fun. way fun.

i want to watch every movie until i can say every line and relate to those movie jokes everyone makes. i want to go to the beach when its raining with my umbrella and run around in the ocean. i want to see what no one else sees. i want to be remembered. i want to move away and see who follows me. i want to taste the pizza in Italy and see if its any different. and i want to go to pairs and shop all day long and be cliche because its fun. i want to be in your arms and i want you to come with me i want to feel teh rain and let you know i feel you. i want to sing along to all my favorite songs and not care how loud im screaming. i want to have passion in life and i want to paint. i want to scream at the top of my lungs at midnight in my room. i want all the lights to be on even in the middle of the night when no ones awake to see them but just knowing that your world is always bright is the comfort. i want to get lost in the city. i want to have style that everyone wonders how i got so lucky. i want to have the boy that everyone wants and that i want more than anyone knows. i want to have secrets and i want to have fun. i want a beautiful sundress that i can wear in the middle of winter. i want to go dancing. i want to wake up with a smile on my face. i want to jump into a lake from a tree branch. i want to hold on to someone while bungee jumping off of a bridge and i want to love them. i want to get kicked out of a grocery store for being to loud and having too much fun with you. i want to drive all night long and then park to watch the sunrise. i want to find the most beautiful sunset and sunrise and i want to video tape it. i want to have a pillow fight. i want to be loved

i give up. compleatly. this is when i cant go on without you. this is when i admit, i need you. this is the time where i cant deny i cant hide and i cant wish any longer. i told myself that i could get on without you and i would, at least, have to try, have to not get over you but get on with my life without you. you were amazing and every time i do almost anything i think of you. you are always on my mind and i cnat lie anymore. you are all i need. you were what made me feel infamous. you, even though you confused me, made me feel like i was the best. im not saying you solved all my problems or that if you came back that all my problems would go away, all im saying is you made me feel like i could deal with all of them and that you would help me and always be there for me. i dont know what im planning on doing from now on, or what this has an impact on but all i know is that i really cant do this anymore. im sitting here in my room listening to the rain and trying to forget you but i will never forget you. its weird how youve been so close my whole life and i never even knew it. you grew up in the neighborhood across from mine even though we didnt knwo each other. you, sadly, came to my middle school and trashed my locker haha even though i didnt knwo you it was some wierd joke you and your friends palyed on us private school kids. you came to my school for a day to try it out and almost enrolled. you met me through fate and went through extreme effort to knwo my name and my story. you, were the best. i know i have to let go but...your so hard to let go of. i remember sitting in my room and smiling becuse i thought i was the luckiest girl ever. it felt like all my dreams had come true. you. were my smile. you. forgot me. you. thank you.
please, come back.
forever.

little girls dancing wanting to fly

and that beautiful island far away from tears is in the past and in the sea and that lust of life is fading as i remember why i wanted to leave so badly.as the tears and thoughts come back to haunt me i realize how i had almost given up before i got on a plane and told myself that i could forget everything and that when i came back i wouldn't have to face it anymore. but problems just dont go away and memories dont just disappear. your room where you used to hide is still that same room except more empty now because its been so long. its still filled with the screams and the cries the notes and the letters the phone calls you couldn't resist and the wonderful days you sat there on your bed with a smile on your face because you couldn't help it. its all still there and no matter how hard you try to get away you cant escape it you have to create the change by yourself you cant runaway every time you have the opportunity. and if the problem takes more than a simple fixing and if its more complex than that then well im sorry baby but youll have to learn to live for your your broken heart and teared up head and your tearing eyes and that make up that wont seem to stay water proof and those dirty clothes you refuse to clean you will have to live for those those things that remain constant. and you, you can talk to your walls you can scream to your pillows you can fight with the light and the walls wont tell the pillows wont fight and the light wont dim without command. you will live with those memories because yes love, it is too hard to deal with sometimes and you just have to realize one day that your sanity your happiness your being is above all important no matter what anyone tells you. those repeating songs that play constantly in your screaming mind and those people who always want answers from you when you dont even have answers for yourself. those rings on your fingers serve no purpose but to flash and blind to maybe take the focus away from your bleeding body this one time when they will look at them and for that one moment think you are lucky and believe it. that live strong bracelet on your left arm, yes, will not cure cancer it will just sit there as a cliche of what someone told you would help the sick, the dying the sad, and you believed them because youre so desperate to help, that friendship bracelet wont last a week when you realize that its frayed. the perfect smile on the well tailored face will last for hours and will show you whatever you want to feel until it hits that you are not ok and that the smile is no more than an illusion taht most use as a comfort. so touch your toes and then touch the sky and realize the strength you have so lose control.
i want to be loved
i will never trust anyone again
i cant because look what youve done, youve changed me, youve scared me, youve hurt me, youve made me not believe,
i am a different person
no one knows the real me
and they DONT know how i feel so please please dont pretend you know, because if you know me so well than havnt you realized im not ok?
well im not ok and im not getting better and i will go on talking to my walls and wish
if only wishing could get you on the road to happiness if only the pillows i hug every night were you.

we dont have our Christmas tree yet and it just isnt feeling like Christmas. ive started to realize what i do every night. i turn the lights down low and i listen to music as i talk to my friends with tears in my eyes dreaming of places far away. wondering what some people dream of and think of when no ones around. this weekend was different than any other weekend. i finally felt like i understood the world. i drove home today. it was a different feeling being in control. knowing that i could drive anywhere i wanted and never have to look back i, for once was in the drivers seat.
i cant make up my mind about anything anymore .i sat down at my computer and turned on the light realizing it was the first time in a while i felt that i have opened my eyes to the world and i felt like the light on my desk was a symbol of that no matter how cliche that sounds. but suddenly as im sitting here recounting the events of the past many weeks and it burned out and then back on again. do you ever feel like everything around you represents some part of you. form your thoughts to your jeans everything has a meaning a story a reason why you picked it or like it or hate it. the flickering lamp on my desk made me stop for a second and think. it strange considering i just changed the light but none the less it started to flicker like it couldn't make up its mind weather it wanted me to open my eyes or not. i love that lamp because someone i love gave it to me someone i can never hug or tell them i love them again. i wish my birthday wasnt so close so i wouldn't have to miss so many people on that day, weather its because they see me from a different place these days or weather its simply because ive lost touch with some people who just wont remember my birthday this year. there will be no family dinner this year for my birthday for i have no close family besides my parents and my sister anymore. who i barley even trust anymore. my brothers moved away many years ago and an accident last year prevents other people i love from being there too. 
my internet just shut of, my light just shut off, i feel like its something psychological especially when it turns back on every time i reach for the switch. basically that is how everything has been lately....off and on....off and on...off...and on it will go
i dont know how to stop it but hopefully ill learn...i think i forgot all the skills i was supposed to learn in that life lesson class back in middle school either that or there was no class at all and i just need one because everyone else just figured it out by themselves....no point really. in taking on another endeavor like trying to understand myself or anyone else id probably just get a F in that too. what else is new


i just got the same text message sent to me 3 times...everything is some twisted sign latley that i know im missing i just know it theres something so great im missing....there has to be