I never took any credit. I didn’t do things for credit. I did them because They had to be done. It took me years and endless un-diagnosed self inflicted punishment before I realized what I had accomplished. I fancied myself dependent. It was the easiest explanation for why I was so afraid of losing people. So I’ve convinced myself that I’m weak and I’ve created a wreaked partner in myself. But the truth is I’m strong as fuck and independent as fuck. I do all things on my own and can put together anything on my own including a life. At 25 years old I can still only say the words though. Living it as truth is much more difficult. Living with strength and swallowing the fact that I don’t need anyone else is so much harder because all I’ve ever wanted was someone. My whole adolescence it was a father and the moment guys, well, Kyle, began to look at me it became a man that I wanted. I thought i needed one to be whole because I felt so empty. I wish I had been more empowered about my individuality from a young age but I was punished for it. And all the things I did on my own we’re in a scramble to save face in front of my dad or to calm a storm he or I created or to avoid creating an issue with him. My independence was to please him I guess. And I suppose the “reward” was his physical presence. So I desperately long for someone’s physical presence beside me. And I don’t really care who.