I need to be honest, Im terrified of getting close to you and I can feel it happening and it scares me and at this point I always become suspicious/distrusting and uneasy and subconsciously fuck things up. I don't know what to do but tell you, because I don't want to push you away

I try to rush the inevitable because I already feel the storm of you from a million miles away. The way you make me feel is such a passionate rush, I am numb without you. I don't want to let you hurt me because even if you don't see it coming, I do , I know you will leave me. the only ones who don't leave are the desperate ones who never really love me but instead confuse obsession and addiction for love.  And therein lies the irony- because I'm one of those desperate addictive ones who doesn't know how to love. I become addicted to the adrenaline, the closeness, the attention, the sex.  I find stuff out about them and say "hey I really want to be with someone like that, so this is pretty great" but it's more about feeding the addiction. reasoning myself out of desperation and into believing that this could be the real thing. And then suddenly one day it hits me that it's not. I panic and realize I'm spiraling and I freak out. I begin to sabotage everything by questioning their every move convinced that everything they do is proof that they don't love me. 

Sooo wanna date?